all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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