I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
id be glad to
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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