I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
