the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
