i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
