She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
