My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
