dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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