Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
