You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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