I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
