____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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