i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
