i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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