I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
