Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
