I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
