So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
