next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
