my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
