I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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