So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
