the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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