my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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