see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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