So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
