Jerry, you need to find god
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
