I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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