The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
