someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
