I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
