I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
