I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i think i have two assholes
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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