he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
