tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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