bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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