so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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