I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
