y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize