He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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