I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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