I'm eating all of the evidence.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
