i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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