The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
