Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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