in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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