Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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