Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
