Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
