ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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