She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
