I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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