my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
