the condom got lost in my hair
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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