It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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