Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
