i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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