you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
